Torn

I feel a lot of things right now. I feel sick, tired, frustrated, lonely. I feel like I’m gonna break down anytime soon.

Everything is sinking now. And I can’t help but cry. I feel so ashamed, so confused. I don’t understand myself. I don’t know what to do with my life.

The past few weeks, I’ve been holding everything back. And when they finally left, I just can’t stop crying. Now, every time someone asks me the dreaded question, it triggers some emotions held back. And I’m just a mess.

Last night, Papa came home. When he called me and I heard his voice, I just burst into tears. And I just can’t help it. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I wasn’t like this before. I was never this emotional. Maybe I just need to let this all out. Or maybe, and this is difficult to admit - I made the wrong decision.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to hurt anybody. I really don’t want to be a hassle. So I guess I should just wait it out. Wait and see where this experience will take me. But, a part of me feels that I should just go and leave, join them. However, I also don’t want to leave the people who have become so important to me. I’m sure gonna miss all the road trips, Kopi Rotis, kuwentuhan, everything.

I imagine that my life there would comprise of just staying at home. And I know I don’t want to do just that. Or maybe I could find work. I also don’t know anyone there. All my close friends are here. I know I’ll miss a lot when I leave.

What I hate about leaving, aside from the fact that I’ll extremely miss all of my friends, is that I will still have the same memories of them - our group of friends. Meanwhile, they move on with their lives, have new friends, have their own group thing, and it will seem like I don’t even exist anymore. I don’t want to be left out. I’m sure there would be promises to keep in touch but after a time, this will all be forgotten. And when I come back, everyone’s changed. And I will feel like I don’t even know them anymore. And I’m sure they will feel the same about me. We will just fool ourselves since after all, I was once their friend. But at the back of our minds, we know that we don’t have anything in common anymore. We remain friends out of nostalgia. But I don’t know. Maybe this won’t happen again.

What adds to this confusion is work. I’m not sure anymore if this is indeed the right job for me. I feel so tired. I love the people I work with and I do enjoy myself. But at the back of my mind, I feel that this isn’t for me.

Someone told me that my boss noticed that I’m not my usual bubbly self, that I look so down. Meanwhile, a friend told me that I look depressed. And she feels helpless. The sad thing is - I feel helpless too.

I’m so torn.

I don’t have any answers. I don’t know what to do. I cry alone.