4 years and counting

Never again - I've told myself a million times. I've really tried hard to forget you and, for some time I thought that I had truly moved on. But every time I get a glimpse of you, every time you smile and your eyes shine, every time you say hi and call my name... all the hard work and the countless hours of forgetting and trying to move on goes down the drain. All past feelings for you comes back like a ghost haunting me in my sleepless nights. It's unfair that just a smile or a mere hi can do this to me... kind of like a butterfly effect. My name even sounds so perfect when it comes from your mouth. I just get this tingling feeling always and then the pain in my chest follows realizing that I have to go through the cycle of forgetting and moving on yet again… since I know I cannot have you anymore. Sometimes I think that maybe if I just did something, if I wasn't too scared then maybe things would have worked out between us. But then a part of me feels that if ever we be together, with my personality of relying and valuing more the "high" and the sparks in a relationship, our relationship wouldn't last and we end up hurting each other. But then maybe I’m just sourgraping. The other part of me meanwhile feels scared that if ever we be together, I would never let go - our relationship would be perfect... but that would be unacceptable because ideally it shouldn't last, I mean it shouldn't have begun in the first place. But really what's the use of thinking about the what ifs when I know it's never gonna happen again. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe it's better that I be left with this illusion that I've built of you - an illusion of happiness if ever I have you. You will remain perfect. You will forever be my dream.

I hope you're happy with her.